Follow Up

To make my life as a P.I. interesting, I'd be needing a shot or two of Bailey's to make the conversations more lively and soulful, and the laughter more intense. Plus, I'd be needing lots of load credits to keep my thumbs busy while my eyes search for evidence. Lastly, I'd be in dire need of Starbucks Peppermint Mocha to boost my energies. Haha!

Seriously, I'm taking this lightly only because I'm having so much fun. And I loooooove adrenaline rushes, and all the drama that goes with it.

If I'll end up in CSI, I will definitely let you know.

=)

I have a new job.

Private I.

Really, This is How I Do It

I reread my entries and realized that I did not even say a word about me moving into this cool place overlooking Ortigas. The view from my bedroom window is charming. Yeap, I'm technically a stone's throw away from the office, giving me an extra hour to stay in bed and more reasons to stay out late. Teehee. =)

And maybe, just maybe, I am getting back in shape, literally and figuratively. I rant. I rave. Nothing new. I just added a little spice to the routine, something to perk me up and keep me from sliding back - cutting papers into tiny pieces when I can just use a shredder. This method is way better because it has healing effects at no cost. I just keep in mind that every paper I cut is equivalent to the things that have been pulling me down. After spending half of my day "spring cleaning," I felt better.

And food tripping is a pre-requisite of "spring cleaning."

Unadulterated fun to the hilt.

...

Why did I feel like the world just crashed and burned me for a day and washed away the scars with the pouring rain?

Forty-nine days. It all came crumbling down right at my doorstep last Thursday, tears falling freely and heavily. My spirit sank, my body just fell apart. It would have been better if I was just left out in the cold.

But a lioness never gives up. And the sign says it all.

When all has been said and done, one's true worth can be seen when he starts picking up the pieces and carrying on the battle.

And so I dust myself and carry on the journey.

Tagged by Larry

1. How often do you blog?
>Not as often as I want to, but I try to write down a few when I can and when the mood is right.

2. Online alias:
>It's just jey-aiy. =)

3. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
>Yeap, benefit of the doubt. In the end, I regret that day I stood up for her against her boss.

4. What do you often do when you are bored?
>Three things: TV, bed or books. Often it's a combo of two - tv and bed or books and bed.

5. When bathing, which do you often wash first?
>Uhm, my hair.

6. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
>Nope. Even as an intern, the most that I've been up was 36 hours max.

7. What colors look best on you?
>I go for bright colors, lots of pinks, reds and oranges. This is regardless if I look good wearing them.

8. What's your favaorite alcoholic drink?
>Hands down, Bailey's. Lately, I tried Heineken. I still have to develop my liking for the green bottle.

9. Do you really believe in heaven and in hell as a real place that each of us will go to after death?
>Yes if only to start somewhere after our life on earth ends.

10. Do you find that you have more online friends than offline?
>Pretty even. But I've grown closer to my online friends.

11. What was your favorite subject in school?
>Seriously, I have always liked Chemistry.

12. Are you a perfectionist?
>Does an OC count as a perfectionist?

13. Do you spend more than you can afford?
>Uhhm, ehrrr, next question please.

14. Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before?
>The experience, the drama is all worth it.,

15. Do you consider yourself creative?
>I'd like to think so.

16. Do you give yourself the credit you deserve?
>It's a case to case basis, but most of the time no.

17. Do you donate time or money to charities?
>I try to give more of my time rather than material things.

18. Have you recently done something that you've criticized others for doing?
>Heck, yeah.

19. What's on your mind right now?
>Cebu stuff, mostly work. Food because I'm getting hungry.

20. Say one nice thing about the person who tagged you and the five other people that you are going to tag:

Larry is my teacher in patience, one of the people I run to for sanity checks.

Lyn. When I need a dose of hard core truths, I run to her.

Toni. Full of positive vibes.

Shirrie. One of the few bright spots in Cebu.

{illyria}. She often leaves me speechless.

Tani. She amazes me.

All is Flat and Red

Smooth. Silky. Feverish.

And I need a trip to the rough seas and a dose of cold water to wake me up from this endless dream. Almost but not quite. I am taking nothing with me, just this piece I call soul, bared to the bones and scarred to the core. Seems like I just hit jackpot with my combination. Instant millionaire I should be. But I know better.

This is not perpetual. A regular one night stand gone heavy and sweet, whipped cream topped with cherry. Perfect. Too good to be true. And I am loving it.

After all, I am the here and the now. That's all there is. No shape. No color. No scent. No sound. Just presence.

A treat to the soul that has found its way home.

Coming to a Close

I have long waited for the return flight home. It all seems surreal. But I am glad I can finally walk away from all these, with my head unbowed, my heart unfazed, my spirit unrelenting.

And with me learning more about myself and about truths that will never fade away.

I learned to get by and live each day through constant communication with the people I hold dear, my family and my friends. They have never let me down when I'm almost on the brink of losing it. Instant cheerleaders. Sanity check. Loads of love and respect. I've been burning phone lines just to hear a familiar voice, someone I can connect with, someone who knows the real me. And every time I end a call, I am renewed.

I learned to keep it cool even when things are smoking hot. They say patience is a virtue, and I have always been known as one who runs low on patience. Looking back, I have never seen myself so composed, and my tongue in check. There were times when I was often left without much choice but to answer back. I did not. I still believe in diplomacy and killing people in kindness. Recently though, I gave a mouthful. Yeah, I still know when and where to draw the line. After all, I am no saint.

I learned to not forget that where I am is not permament, a passing thrill of an even bigger, more exciting picture. This has just prepped me up for the greater adventure waiting to unfold. But I have not forgotten that whether permanent or not, every waking moment is an enriching experience. The good, the bad, and the in between are what nourishes the soul.

I learned to hold on tightly to my faith. It anchors me to a steady state, keeping me grounded and humbled.

And as my curtain closes on this stage, I can only heave a sigh of relief, whisper a prayer of gratitude, and probably, shed tears of joy.

I am coming home.

My Sky

Photo taken around 5:55 am at the CAP Complex in Cebu.

Survival

It is humbling for me to be taken away from my comfort zone and be put in a situation where the odds are 5 to 1. The whole experience often brings me to tears, and sometimes, they just fall freely out ouf sheer exhaustion. Sometimes, in amazement of the road that I have travelled so far.

In every uncertain moment, I find my balance in the people I love.

In every fall, I hold on to my faith.

In every tear, I wipe with memories of happy moments.

One

Weekends have been my source of liberation and cheap thrills, a gift to myself for all that comes in between the crack of dawn and the moonlit nights. I was asked whether I'm burned out or I'm enjyoing every minute of it. It's a little of both.

It has not been a walk in the park for me, and I count each day that I have braved through the battlefield as a blessing.

And today, I mark my first month on hostile grounds.

In Awe

For the second time, I found myself at a loss for words simply because words are not enough to describe the Kawasan Falls experience.

I saw nature at its finest - lush greens, crystal clear water, fresh air.

And being one with nature more than took my breath away.

As I sat on the raft and stared at the gushing waters, I felt peace.

Everything will be alright.

Finding Stroke

The soft grass crushes beneath
The feet that floats
The path leads to home
Where the sky and earth meets
And where the only sound
Is my heartbeat.

Temporary Arrangement

I have become a different person in just three weeks. This I realized while my feet are soaked in the crystal clear waters of Bantayan.

Here, it's all work. Here, I have to put up a face that will not back down regardless of whatever has been thrown my way. It's part of the package.

What's important is knowing that this is not permanent, a temporary set up, and at the end of the day, I still know who I am.

Tall order. But being here gave me good grasp of myself, of who I have become. It may have been a mixture of laughter and tears, not exactly of the same proportions, but I learn from every crack and from every drop. I wake up at dawn with things clearer now, and with more determination than ever.

This may be a test for me, and to get a passing mark, I have to be that person for the time being.

Bantayan Island Getaway

It has been on my list of must-go-to places for years now and to finally set foot on the pristine white sands of Bantayan Island, wow! I couldn't exactly describe the feeling.

All I wanted was to getaway from it all for a while, to seek refuge from the noise that is work that has kept me on my toes and has never failed to leave me gasping for breath at the end of the day. I got more than what i wished for. The weekend at Bantayan gave me the time to think things over - work, goodbyes that have been said, excess baggages, my silence. Walking along the white stretch cleared my head of clutter. And yeap, it was a weekend all on my own with just the sand, the sea, a gray tabo and Haruki Murakami's South of the Border, West of the Sun to keep me company.

And I am still in awe. =)

And...

Creativity flowing freely.
Honesty.
Lots of laughter.
Freedom of the spirit.

I miss these too.

Missing

I have been putting off writing in this blog because of the series of (un)fortunate events that banged my door this month. I know I should feel lucky that I am away from the hustle and bustle of Manila. But honestly, I don't.

Before the plane took off for Cebu last September 5, I already braced myself with the possibility of staying here longer. But nothing beats reality when it was said that I'll be here for a month or so. There is so much to do and so little time to really enjoy what the city has to offer. Well, I came here for work in the first place so I have to do what I have to do.

I am getting homesick. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss the gulo of Manila. I miss home.

Steady In Between

Although so much is happening all at the same time, I refuse to dwell on the negative and focus on what needs to be done first. I don't want to sink and not be able to swim back to the shore. It's a been there, done that thing. It was exhausting, and I see no point in going back.

So amidst all the rush for the long overdue Cebu trip on Tuesday and all the noise that has been been circulating in my air, I am in a steady state. I choose to be. And I am sticking by my choice. I guess I'm just probably over that stage of whinning and ranting over the same things time and again. And guess what? Nothing happens when do that. Everything remains the same.

Well, things are a little better. And I am learning to live without my security blanket wrapped around me. It has been awhile and what happened was inevitable. I saw it coming last year, and I guess, facing it now than later on in life is doing me some good.

Although I can't honestly say that I am happy, I know I don't have regrets. I often tell myself that this is a one day at a time thing. No need to pressure myself. I know I will be okei. I have that much faith that things will get better.

And as I have said, when we need to find the path, the light leading to it shines the brightest.

Round and Round

So hope comes along whenever a door closes. Delayed or caught in traffic, it does not matter now. I just know that there is hope, that there is something worth waiting for.

I am just in awe at how intricate the details have been, with the amount of twists and turns that has been laid along my path. Everything now is coming in full circle.

And so like a child, I wait.

I Just Did

You have become a part of
my blurry imagination,
a figure that fades
along with the ticking of the clock,
a memory that slips
through the corners of my mind.
I thought I could not.
I thought I would not.
But I did.
I gave myself the chance.
At last, I know how to quit you
Because I just did.

The Inevitable

And so it boils down to this - GOODBYE.

That long forgotten road I took a year ago laid out a warning sign for me, only I, stubborn and willing to take the risk, did not heed it. But I have no regerets taking that route. I believe, and I always have, that its purpose has defined the person that I am today. As I have said, I will only look back with gratitude that that day came to be.

Crossing that forbidden line sure had thunder and lightning roaring from the dark skies, and I should have ran for cover. However, I chose to get wet under the pouring rain and leisurely take that walk home. It may have been a long and exhausting walk, but boy, am I glad to be finally here - home.

Without you.

From hereon, I am taking baby steps in finding my way around the world for my signpost no longer stands in front of me. And at the end of the day, I will run with eyes wide open toward the path of light.

I am taking on a new journey filled with hope and promises.

And saying goodbye to you is the first and sure step I am taking.