it wasn't a really clever move. but when you want to test the waters to see if you're going to drown, you have to get yourself into the water. luckily, i was quickly back to the shore before i find myself totally sinking in.
now, i am no longer waiting. i found a way not to wait, trusted my instincts, and made my move. and this is the case where my impatience helped me decide which road to take.
and honestly, i wasn't surprised with my decision. i just probably needed that mind-boggling waiting game to kick some sense out of me. it wasn't a painful kick, just a what-the-heck-are-you-thinking kind of kick. it was enough to jolt me back from those sleepless nights.
yeah, i blew the candle out just to get back in. i found another match for the light. too bad the rains soaked the light wet, and i am okei with it. it's time to look for another match.
seriously, what was i thinking?!?
Monday, July 13, 2009
Thursday, July 09, 2009
waiting
all the day, my head keeps playing the "waiting" soundtrack
waiting in vain?
waiting game?
waiting to exhale?
it's a great test for my patience. i am trying my darn best to hold on and think that i will be rewarded for my patience. but seriously, i'm hanging by a thread. and the waiting is slowly killing me.
oh, and the "waiting" soundtrack is related to my foolish heart. not by accident, that i can guarantee.
waiting in vain?
waiting game?
waiting to exhale?
it's a great test for my patience. i am trying my darn best to hold on and think that i will be rewarded for my patience. but seriously, i'm hanging by a thread. and the waiting is slowly killing me.
oh, and the "waiting" soundtrack is related to my foolish heart. not by accident, that i can guarantee.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
an ode to writing
it seems like an eternity since i last wrote something that may not even be considered as writing. yeah, it has been a really long while, and boy, it feels that writing and me have moved to opposite ends that we're practically strangers.
i have had several attempts to reconcile and meet halfway. but everytime i come close, something gets in the way. on certain occasions, i have just become either too lazy to bother making a move towards reconciliation or too exhausted to even think about it.
but deep down, i know a part of me is missing.
i miss writing, and i'm not going to make promises to make amends or to cut down the distance that separates us. but i just have to make it clear that i miss writing.
big time.
i have had several attempts to reconcile and meet halfway. but everytime i come close, something gets in the way. on certain occasions, i have just become either too lazy to bother making a move towards reconciliation or too exhausted to even think about it.
but deep down, i know a part of me is missing.
i miss writing, and i'm not going to make promises to make amends or to cut down the distance that separates us. but i just have to make it clear that i miss writing.
big time.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
enlightenment
it's a crazy, cruel world. and it's almost always a struggle to keep a straight face and remain focused on the path.
and i am truly grateful to have found the light that keeps everything in balance.
i'm not saying that it's a perfect light, that everything is all smooth and free. i still stumble and fall. but not as often and not as bruised as before. the light has kept me grounded and has humbled my stubborn heart.
maybe there is hope in me after all.
to my light, thank you. and please continue to illuminate my path. i don't want to stay out in the dark.
and i am truly grateful to have found the light that keeps everything in balance.
i'm not saying that it's a perfect light, that everything is all smooth and free. i still stumble and fall. but not as often and not as bruised as before. the light has kept me grounded and has humbled my stubborn heart.
maybe there is hope in me after all.
to my light, thank you. and please continue to illuminate my path. i don't want to stay out in the dark.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
the sun shines everyday
i know it's been awhile. distractions have been more constant than before.
and the distractions have done more than what they were supposed to do, in a good way, that is. the distractions have shown me that life indeed is a beautiful struggle, and that is how i sum up what my year has been.
more than that, the beautiful struggle has made me love who i am now. it has been comforting to know that i have conquered some of the monsters in my head, and that i have finally admitted some truths which i have long forgotten or have consciously chosen to forget. it was a difficult process, and i was thankful i went through it.
the safe mode that i have put myself into during the last few months have rocked my reality. it was an unconscious effort to be safe, probably because i feared the risks or the pains. but it did me good. i needed to recuperate, to rethink, and to finally realize that i am not cut to be safe. i have always thrived on risks, i have always known that. and i would probably be taking more risks now that i know how it feels like to be safe.
and the beautiful struggle have brought along blessings which i feel i don't even deserve, but i am still and will forever be thankful for them. these blessings have enriched my life in a way that i have learned to look at things differently and more positively.
and yes, i am cutting a few strings, tying some loose ends, knotting a few ones, and starting a new line. i know what i can live without, and what i can give to live with a few compromises. i'm kinda getting my way around this because it's all new to me.
it's time that the sun finally shines on me every single day.
and the distractions have done more than what they were supposed to do, in a good way, that is. the distractions have shown me that life indeed is a beautiful struggle, and that is how i sum up what my year has been.
more than that, the beautiful struggle has made me love who i am now. it has been comforting to know that i have conquered some of the monsters in my head, and that i have finally admitted some truths which i have long forgotten or have consciously chosen to forget. it was a difficult process, and i was thankful i went through it.
the safe mode that i have put myself into during the last few months have rocked my reality. it was an unconscious effort to be safe, probably because i feared the risks or the pains. but it did me good. i needed to recuperate, to rethink, and to finally realize that i am not cut to be safe. i have always thrived on risks, i have always known that. and i would probably be taking more risks now that i know how it feels like to be safe.
and the beautiful struggle have brought along blessings which i feel i don't even deserve, but i am still and will forever be thankful for them. these blessings have enriched my life in a way that i have learned to look at things differently and more positively.
and yes, i am cutting a few strings, tying some loose ends, knotting a few ones, and starting a new line. i know what i can live without, and what i can give to live with a few compromises. i'm kinda getting my way around this because it's all new to me.
it's time that the sun finally shines on me every single day.
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