hello. again.

So I am writing. Again. I find this very therapeutic, especially during this crazy times. I'm all alone, literally and figuratively. It's terrifying to say the least. But I would rather be alone and deal with it than be with someone who doesn't bring joy.

I was hoping, pining my hopes, wishing and praying that somehow I found that one person who totally gets me. But then, my dysfunctional uterus became an issue. Honestly, it's not fair for any woman to be loved or not because she has a dysfunctional uterus, nothing she has control over. I was told that if I would conceive, I am one damn lucky lass. But there are risks, as in all pregnancies, and mine are higher than normal.

So that's where this alone thing is coming from. Do I still have hopes for him? I don't know. It hurts. A lot. It's the kind of pain that's excruciatingly slow and taking forever to sink in. I have yet to come to the acceptance stage. I'm still wallowing and dealing with this one painful day at a time. 

Maybe one day, I can finally tell myself that I am truly okay. But today, I know I am not.