glass ceilings

Today was kinda emotional to see a woman of color get elected as Vice President of the U.S. I'm not from there. But her election into office represents a lot of girls' hopes and dreams. She represents what every women - mother, child, sister, friend, have worked so hard for. She represents a voice that is so loud and clear that it rings across nations.

She gives hope that one day, the world will be a better place. 

day 47

I miss you extra today and I found myself crying all over again. 

It's still as painful as day 1. There were days when I thought I can be okay again. But when I close my eyes, memories of you wash me over. Everything feels fresh as if it just happened yesterday. Every detail is vivid and alive.

I don't know when it will stop hurting. 

pto

I'm not my 100% self lately so today I took a time out from work. I feel it's unfair to be physically present in the office when I have all these batshit crazies going on in my personal life.

Technically, I know I would still be sitting in front of my laptop doing work things. But I am not mentally and emotionally there.

Maybe I just need to be by myslef today, to wallow and deal with whatever emotional shitznit is going on. I need the time, and I always, always recognize that the minute it creeps in. Sure, I can compartmentalize. But it's different when you can do it in your pajamas while eating a tub of ice cream.

What I am saying is that this mini break is for my mental and emotional health. It's for me to be ME again. It's tough when you're all alone, but I have learned to live with that.

So yes, I am on a time out today. 

hello. again.

So I am writing. Again. I find this very therapeutic, especially during this crazy times. I'm all alone, literally and figuratively. It's terrifying to say the least. But I would rather be alone and deal with it than be with someone who doesn't bring joy.

I was hoping, pining my hopes, wishing and praying that somehow I found that one person who totally gets me. But then, my dysfunctional uterus became an issue. Honestly, it's not fair for any woman to be loved or not because she has a dysfunctional uterus, nothing she has control over. I was told that if I would conceive, I am one damn lucky lass. But there are risks, as in all pregnancies, and mine are higher than normal.

So that's where this alone thing is coming from. Do I still have hopes for him? I don't know. It hurts. A lot. It's the kind of pain that's excruciatingly slow and taking forever to sink in. I have yet to come to the acceptance stage. I'm still wallowing and dealing with this one painful day at a time. 

Maybe one day, I can finally tell myself that I am truly okay. But today, I know I am not. 

almost full

If last night was an indication that I am almost full, I have to brace myself for the impact this will have in my life. After nearly a decade, I'm starting to learn what quitting feels like.

And honestly, I don't know how that will be.

Breaking.

And just like that, my world is breaking apart. 

And I don't even know where to start.

A Decade

Yes, that's how long it took me to find my voice again. Because, yes, life happens. And the last ten years have brought me through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Frankly speaking, I don't know how I can still sit still,breathe and remain grateful amidst all the chaos.

just wow.

it has been ages. while life was happening, i chose to just sit still and let life consume me. there were days when i woke up looking forward to what the new sunrise will bring. and then there were days when i felt like succumbing to exhaustion and frustration. i saw myself being pulled in all directions, tried and tested with every possible curve ball. i am still here. i just don't know if i still have the strength to move. all i know is i musn't stop. mechanically, maybe. i just know that this was my choice so i am embracing it with arms wide open and with eyes shut tight.

struggle

i'm in the middle of the road with the left and right signs are asking me to choose which way to go. it may be fear that's holding me back from taking that step. either way, it's gonna hurt, and i know that. i'm trying to take it slow. i'm trying to push the envelope further. i'm trying. period. but at the end of the day, i know it's just me who's trying.

moving out, moving in

i'm in a new place where i can finally call home here in manila. it's not much, but i'm living with people whom i can trust and whom i can rely on all the time.

the move out was inevitable. i just knew that i had to be in a place where i can freely move.

yes, i am home now.

day 3

i was right. the fact that i am still standing at the end of the day is reason enough to celebrate.

i was hugged. it was more than the big, warm hug i asked for actually. and it made me feel a whole lot better.

the day is just starting and there are still more grounds to cover. but last night, i found myself hopeful and vibrating with positivity all over again.

wanted: big, warm hug

for two days straight, i have been walking with a million thoughts running thru my head and feeling like my heart is about to burst. to say that it is overwhelming is an understatement. i would want to take control of every little detail that is happening, but it seems like everything is happening all at once and i don't have any control of anything whatsoever.

i know i just need to get hold of myself, step back and take a deep breath.

i also have to remind myself that the fact that i'm standing at the end of the day is reason enough to celebrate.

but honestly, what i need right now is big, warm hug to assure me that everything is going to be alright.

....

there is peace in recognizing and accepting that i have my limitations, that my choices are not what most people would have made, and that the risks involved with my choices would probably lead me to the dumps. it is liberating to be able to reconcile my choices with reality. sure, it does hurt sometimes, and the irony of it is that when all these - risks, reality and pain - are put together, there is beauty.

i am growing and i know i still need to grow. but my growth now is all about the choices i make, and make a life out of these choices.

less is more

i don't make resolutions because i know sooner than later i will forget about them. i would rather follow a mantra that will guide me all throughout the year.

less is more. that's how it's gonna be for 2011.

less negativity, more positivity. less tears, more laughter. less talk, more work. less hatred, more love. less spending, more traveling (ironic, i know).

2010 has blessed me with beautiful memories of a love that i thought no longer exist, of adventures great and small, of friendships that gave birth to laughing moments. it was a great year. the good more than covered for the not so good things that happened. there were valuable lessons learned, and i am still a student who's still eager to learn.

i am just looking forward to what 2011 will bring. i just have to believe that bottomline, i am blessed.

lost and found

there are days when i feel like i can't feel my feet on the ground. or sometimes, i'm not stepping on anything except air. a few times i felt i was lost somewhere in between heaven and earth. but every time, i wake up to find myself right where i want me to be.

it's been a really tough balancing act, and i'm someone who physically can't find her balance. but i'm threading thru the path where i am not so sure of. it's scary, it's exciting.

but i am here. and that is what matters most.

where this path will lead, i don't know. wherever this road will take me, i am ready.

life happened.

haven't written for a long time. over 9 months. that's the life span of a fetus growing inside the womb.

yeah, life happened. outside the womb. inside the heart.

the waiting has ceased to exist. what remains now is the part where me and him exist, the way neruda said so.

so today i write about the story of a love that has come a long way from its one step forward two steps back rhythm. the melody is not flawless. a note or two may be missing or out of tune. but i like the imperfect harmony. it makes me look forward to the days when we can finally play our perfect song.

yeah, life is happening.

forever grateful

2009 has been very kind to me. Amidst all the trials and setbacks I have encountered along the way, I am still up, dancing, and doing my thing.

Everyday, I find reasons to be thankful for. Above all, I am thankful for:

1. the gift of life itself. With everything that has happened to us, I have realized how precious life is. The only way to show appreciation is to live and lead a meaningful life.

2. the people around me - my family, my friends. They have kept me sane and my feet firmly planted on the ground amidst all the "kaguluhan" that has happened.

3. my job, my colleagues, my boss. I am very lucky to have a job that creates social awareness on one of the causes I advocate for - cervical cancer. It has provided me means to reach out to more people. My colleagues have been my pillar of strength when the work gets tough, and my boss? He's one of the most generous people I know, and his big heart has inspired to pay it forward.

4. the opportunity to help. When Ondoy struck, I found myself amongst the many volunteers bringing in goods, repacking and distributing goods, spreading the word through social networking sites, sharing laughter and stories with fellow volunteers. Those were very exhausting days, but at the end of each day, I find myself still thankful that I can help.

5. the opportunities to learn. Learning is one of the things I value in life, and I look at each day as a new lesson to be learned, a new experience to be cherished. The most important lesson I've learned in 2009 is to be always thankful.

6. the joy of traveling with friends and family. I am a wanderer by heart. I truly enjoy traveling, exploring new places, discovering new adventures. I am constantly in awe of how beautiful the Philippines is, and how many places are waiting to be explored.

7. the opportunity to win a Moleskine 2010 Calendar. I can imagine myself scribbling down my daily activities and the things I am thankful for each day in those cute colorful planners. ;)

And this list goes on.

And I'm looking forward to what 2010 may bring.

hit stop button

all dances come to an end, no matter how invigorating the music is or how good you are on the dance floor.

in this case, the dance came to a screeching halt as soon as i hit the stop button.

rhythmic groove

i'm in a different state. and as i watch myself move, i was waiting for the warning bells to sound. i did not hear anything.

parts of me act in connivance with the other, each moving in a rhythm i barely recognize. the melody is in sync with every step, and as if in a trance, i cannot stop.

the sensible part of me, however, would let out a whisper loud enough for the rest of me to hear. surprisingly, every movement would come to a slow end.

i've said that i thrive on risks, and that i am not cut to be safe. and this dance is one risk i am taking, and i know when the music has to stop.

in the meantime, i am enjoying the beat. every pulsating minute of it.

overflowing

one thing about turning a year older is that you become more appreciative of everything and anything in between. i guess you learn to count your blessings and acknowledge that the universe conspires to give you sometimes even more than what you ask for.

and today, i am just overwhelmed with all the love and blessings i have received. it's not a perfect day, but it's the imperfections that made me realize my worth and how impermanent things can be. the imperfections have taught me to value what and who i have in my life.

at the end of the day, no matter what happens, i will remain grateful.