life happened.

haven't written for a long time. over 9 months. that's the life span of a fetus growing inside the womb.

yeah, life happened. outside the womb. inside the heart.

the waiting has ceased to exist. what remains now is the part where me and him exist, the way neruda said so.

so today i write about the story of a love that has come a long way from its one step forward two steps back rhythm. the melody is not flawless. a note or two may be missing or out of tune. but i like the imperfect harmony. it makes me look forward to the days when we can finally play our perfect song.

yeah, life is happening.

forever grateful

2009 has been very kind to me. Amidst all the trials and setbacks I have encountered along the way, I am still up, dancing, and doing my thing.

Everyday, I find reasons to be thankful for. Above all, I am thankful for:

1. the gift of life itself. With everything that has happened to us, I have realized how precious life is. The only way to show appreciation is to live and lead a meaningful life.

2. the people around me - my family, my friends. They have kept me sane and my feet firmly planted on the ground amidst all the "kaguluhan" that has happened.

3. my job, my colleagues, my boss. I am very lucky to have a job that creates social awareness on one of the causes I advocate for - cervical cancer. It has provided me means to reach out to more people. My colleagues have been my pillar of strength when the work gets tough, and my boss? He's one of the most generous people I know, and his big heart has inspired to pay it forward.

4. the opportunity to help. When Ondoy struck, I found myself amongst the many volunteers bringing in goods, repacking and distributing goods, spreading the word through social networking sites, sharing laughter and stories with fellow volunteers. Those were very exhausting days, but at the end of each day, I find myself still thankful that I can help.

5. the opportunities to learn. Learning is one of the things I value in life, and I look at each day as a new lesson to be learned, a new experience to be cherished. The most important lesson I've learned in 2009 is to be always thankful.

6. the joy of traveling with friends and family. I am a wanderer by heart. I truly enjoy traveling, exploring new places, discovering new adventures. I am constantly in awe of how beautiful the Philippines is, and how many places are waiting to be explored.

7. the opportunity to win a Moleskine 2010 Calendar. I can imagine myself scribbling down my daily activities and the things I am thankful for each day in those cute colorful planners. ;)

And this list goes on.

And I'm looking forward to what 2010 may bring.

hit stop button

all dances come to an end, no matter how invigorating the music is or how good you are on the dance floor.

in this case, the dance came to a screeching halt as soon as i hit the stop button.

rhythmic groove

i'm in a different state. and as i watch myself move, i was waiting for the warning bells to sound. i did not hear anything.

parts of me act in connivance with the other, each moving in a rhythm i barely recognize. the melody is in sync with every step, and as if in a trance, i cannot stop.

the sensible part of me, however, would let out a whisper loud enough for the rest of me to hear. surprisingly, every movement would come to a slow end.

i've said that i thrive on risks, and that i am not cut to be safe. and this dance is one risk i am taking, and i know when the music has to stop.

in the meantime, i am enjoying the beat. every pulsating minute of it.

overflowing

one thing about turning a year older is that you become more appreciative of everything and anything in between. i guess you learn to count your blessings and acknowledge that the universe conspires to give you sometimes even more than what you ask for.

and today, i am just overwhelmed with all the love and blessings i have received. it's not a perfect day, but it's the imperfections that made me realize my worth and how impermanent things can be. the imperfections have taught me to value what and who i have in my life.

at the end of the day, no matter what happens, i will remain grateful.

i blew the candle out just to get back in

it wasn't a really clever move. but when you want to test the waters to see if you're going to drown, you have to get yourself into the water. luckily, i was quickly back to the shore before i find myself totally sinking in.

now, i am no longer waiting. i found a way not to wait, trusted my instincts, and made my move. and this is the case where my impatience helped me decide which road to take.

and honestly, i wasn't surprised with my decision. i just probably needed that mind-boggling waiting game to kick some sense out of me. it wasn't a painful kick, just a what-the-heck-are-you-thinking kind of kick. it was enough to jolt me back from those sleepless nights.

yeah, i blew the candle out just to get back in. i found another match for the light. too bad the rains soaked the light wet, and i am okei with it. it's time to look for another match.

seriously, what was i thinking?!?

waiting

all the day, my head keeps playing the "waiting" soundtrack

waiting in vain?

waiting game?

waiting to exhale?

it's a great test for my patience. i am trying my darn best to hold on and think that i will be rewarded for my patience. but seriously, i'm hanging by a thread. and the waiting is slowly killing me.

oh, and the "waiting" soundtrack is related to my foolish heart. not by accident, that i can guarantee.

an ode to writing

it seems like an eternity since i last wrote something that may not even be considered as writing. yeah, it has been a really long while, and boy, it feels that writing and me have moved to opposite ends that we're practically strangers.

i have had several attempts to reconcile and meet halfway. but everytime i come close, something gets in the way. on certain occasions, i have just become either too lazy to bother making a move towards reconciliation or too exhausted to even think about it.

but deep down, i know a part of me is missing.

i miss writing, and i'm not going to make promises to make amends or to cut down the distance that separates us. but i just have to make it clear that i miss writing.

big time.

enlightenment

it's a crazy, cruel world. and it's almost always a struggle to keep a straight face and remain focused on the path.

and i am truly grateful to have found the light that keeps everything in balance.

i'm not saying that it's a perfect light, that everything is all smooth and free. i still stumble and fall. but not as often and not as bruised as before. the light has kept me grounded and has humbled my stubborn heart.

maybe there is hope in me after all.

to my light, thank you. and please continue to illuminate my path. i don't want to stay out in the dark.

the sun shines everyday

i know it's been awhile. distractions have been more constant than before.

and the distractions have done more than what they were supposed to do, in a good way, that is. the distractions have shown me that life indeed is a beautiful struggle, and that is how i sum up what my year has been.

more than that, the beautiful struggle has made me love who i am now. it has been comforting to know that i have conquered some of the monsters in my head, and that i have finally admitted some truths which i have long forgotten or have consciously chosen to forget. it was a difficult process, and i was thankful i went through it.

the safe mode that i have put myself into during the last few months have rocked my reality. it was an unconscious effort to be safe, probably because i feared the risks or the pains. but it did me good. i needed to recuperate, to rethink, and to finally realize that i am not cut to be safe. i have always thrived on risks, i have always known that. and i would probably be taking more risks now that i know how it feels like to be safe.

and the beautiful struggle have brought along blessings which i feel i don't even deserve, but i am still and will forever be thankful for them. these blessings have enriched my life in a way that i have learned to look at things differently and more positively.

and yes, i am cutting a few strings, tying some loose ends, knotting a few ones, and starting a new line. i know what i can live without, and what i can give to live with a few compromises. i'm kinda getting my way around this because it's all new to me.

it's time that the sun finally shines on me every single day.

it's not quite raining. yet.

the (almost) end of summer had me splashing under the hot bohol sun. it was refreshing to be in my comfort zone. and i wish i could stay there forever.

but reality keeps pulling my feet to stand on solid ground. and stand i did amidst the strong waves that rocked my seemingly quiet life. the waves shook and broke a bridge that i tried to keep afloat during the rage. but i can't hold on when the other side has its thread cut loose.

and the waves taught me to hold still to what i believe in, to keep my head up no matter what, to believe that things will be okei.

it was a painful hold. but i had to welcome the pain as the tears came pouring down. it's how things are, it's how they are meant to be.

and before the rain starts to pour on my summer, i am taking a deep breath and not looking back to what happened during the last few weeks.

it's time to move on. and for the first time, i am welcoming the rain.

smoothies

nah, it's not your regular ice blended drink.

it's how things have been. smooth, with a touch of crushed ice. thus, the term smoothies. just perfect under the smoldering heat of the summer sun, right?

and the best way to enjoy the smoothies? sitting still, with just the sound of the sea and the wind.

that's how i've been lately. sitting still. silently watching from the sidelines as the wave crash unto the sea, and the trees sway with the breeze.

i want to say something. but summer is not the time for that. i'll probably wait until the rain starts pouring hard enough to get my feet wet again.

for now, it's smoothies. and me sitting still for the summer.

for blue: a gay conclusion

overheard from this morning's breakfast:

blue: girlalu, pakibilang mo nga ito.

i felt like falling off my seat and laughing and crying at the same time!

and i was like, omg! haha!

well, it was probably an odd way to start my day. odd in a funny way.

yeah, i'm still laughing! and i couldn't help but call lara, even if it's 3 am in belgium, and tell her all about it!

oh well, this concludes my horoscope story. haha!

for blue

you sneak a look into my eyes, piercing through my soul where your name is written all over.

you smile at me.

and i am breathless.

Umagang Walang Pamagat

I.

bakit bigla na lang kitang namiss?
wala tayong ugnayan.
di tayo magkakilala.
suplada ako.
mas suplado ka.
magkatulad tayo sa
maraming bagay
na ayaw kong isipin.
sabi ko tama na,
di na kasi puwede.
pero bahala na si batman.
total patay na naman si joker,
baka mapagbigyan mo ako.

II.

bakit ngayon,
puro pagpaparamdam ang
ginagawa mo?
di ba suplado ka?
di ba sabi mo di ko tinanggap
imbitasyon mo?
bakit ngayon,
panay ikot mo sa tabi ko?
bakit panay ang tingin mo
sa mga mata ko?
bakit ang lakas ng boses mo?
pakihinaan mo kasi ang radyo mo
para magkarinigan tayo.
please lang.
one time lang.

Green and Blue

I've said time and again that I love mornings. And today, despite being out so late, I found myself pumped up and ready to start my day.

I'm still wearing that no expectations sign. It's slow, but the pace has allowed me to rethink my position. I need to gain more confidence, though. It's uncharacteristic of me to fall silent when deep within, I wanted to say something. Lack of practice? Probably.

Or not.

In the meantime, I'll be swimming in a sea of green and blue. It's summer. My season. My time. My space.

27 Feb

I woke up this morning with this force pulling me towards my happy place. I've made up my mind last night that I have to put an end to this addiction. I know where this would lead me in the end. And I'm no rock star that has the machinery to cover up the mess I'd be leaving behind.

But this force was so strong, and my morning state was not yet equipped to battle with such great strength. I gave in. Too easily, in fact.

And I'm glad I did.

It was worth the trip even if I wasn't totally dressed up for it. But the silly grin on my face more than compensates for my lack in glam and sass. And that silly grin is more than happy to find its way back in my morning routine.

No expectations now. I'm just letting it all flow in.

mornings were broken

i don't quite know how to put into words this strange feeling of missing when you have never been in the first place. a broadsheet horoscope started this roll, and somehow, it goes on and on. it's so addictive. it's intoxicating that i can't seem to push that stop button.

and when fate and faith came into play, i'm left speechless and out of breath.

6 days is a long time, you know, especially for someone who does not know how and when to start counting the days of this strangeness. where all senses went, i don't know. this, i don't have a name for. all i know is that mornings are no longer splashed with silly grins and stolen looks. they've become bare, cold and empty. just like the weather outside that happy place.

i miss my mornings. i miss that silly grin. i miss the loud voice that sings lifehouse's classics. i miss those eyes that sneak a look on that silly grin.

please give me back my mornings.

soon.

Dakal a Salamat!

I find myself on the last day of the year in gratitude mode ;)

Thank you...

...to friends, both old and new, who've stuck it out with me through thick and thin.
...to adventures that had me discovering and experiencing new things.
...to photographers and photographs which have inspired me to capture and treasure every moment.
...to the people I work with, the people I work for, who have taught me the value of patience and discipline; who have laughed out loud with me to ease our stress away; who have given me more than what i deserve.
...to my family who has been my constant pillar of strength.
...to opportunities to learn, to grow, to become better.
...to the many blessings I have received.

It has been a wonderful year and here's looking forward to a better and brighter 2008!

Happy New Year!

Revived

I feel revived. Literally.

It has been a pretty wild run, and I did not see the big gap taking over like rain clouds on a sunny day. Unexpected, it is. But I always say that I take whatever is served on my plate.

I have learned to expect nothing and just take things as they come. To take it slow and to stop and smell the flowers.

And it has done me good.

So good that I can still taste the chocolate cake on my lips.