overwhelmed

there's a lot going on lately, mostly as a result of things catching up with me. maybe i have been too reckless, to callous before, and it's a lot of things happening all at the same time.

what to do? i can only try to make things right, try and not give up. i try, i pray, i hope, and not worry.

glass ceilings

Today was kinda emotional to see a woman of color get elected as Vice President of the U.S. I'm not from there. But her election into office represents a lot of girls' hopes and dreams. She represents what every women - mother, child, sister, friend, have worked so hard for. She represents a voice that is so loud and clear that it rings across nations.

She gives hope that one day, the world will be a better place. 

day 47

I miss you extra today and I found myself crying all over again. 

It's still as painful as day 1. There were days when I thought I can be okay again. But when I close my eyes, memories of you wash me over. Everything feels fresh as if it just happened yesterday. Every detail is vivid and alive.

I don't know when it will stop hurting. 

pto

I'm not my 100% self lately so today I took a time out from work. I feel it's unfair to be physically present in the office when I have all these batshit crazies going on in my personal life.

Technically, I know I would still be sitting in front of my laptop doing work things. But I am not mentally and emotionally there.

Maybe I just need to be by myslef today, to wallow and deal with whatever emotional shitznit is going on. I need the time, and I always, always recognize that the minute it creeps in. Sure, I can compartmentalize. But it's different when you can do it in your pajamas while eating a tub of ice cream.

What I am saying is that this mini break is for my mental and emotional health. It's for me to be ME again. It's tough when you're all alone, but I have learned to live with that.

So yes, I am on a time out today. 

hello. again.

So I am writing. Again. I find this very therapeutic, especially during this crazy times. I'm all alone, literally and figuratively. It's terrifying to say the least. But I would rather be alone and deal with it than be with someone who doesn't bring joy.

I was hoping, pining my hopes, wishing and praying that somehow I found that one person who totally gets me. But then, my dysfunctional uterus became an issue. Honestly, it's not fair for any woman to be loved or not because she has a dysfunctional uterus, nothing she has control over. I was told that if I would conceive, I am one damn lucky lass. But there are risks, as in all pregnancies, and mine are higher than normal.

So that's where this alone thing is coming from. Do I still have hopes for him? I don't know. It hurts. A lot. It's the kind of pain that's excruciatingly slow and taking forever to sink in. I have yet to come to the acceptance stage. I'm still wallowing and dealing with this one painful day at a time. 

Maybe one day, I can finally tell myself that I am truly okay. But today, I know I am not.