splashes of oranges

moving out, moving in

2011-07-22T15:57:00.002+08:00

i'm in a new place where i can finally call home here in manila. it's not much, but i'm living with people whom i can trust and whom i can rely on all the time.

the move out was inevitable. i just knew that i had to be in a place where i can freely move.

yes, i am home now.

day 3

2011-07-07T09:04:00.003+08:00

i was right. the fact that i am still standing at the end of the day is reason enough to celebrate.

i was hugged. it was more than the big, warm hug i asked for actually. and it made me feel a whole lot better.

the day is just starting and there are still more grounds to cover. but last night, i found myself hopeful and vibrating with positivity all over again.

wanted: big, warm hug

2011-07-06T16:07:00.003+08:00

for two days straight, i have been walking with a million thoughts running thru my head and feeling like my heart is about to burst. to say that it is overwhelming is an understatement. i would want to take control of every little detail that is happening, but it seems like everything is happening all at once and i don't have any control of anything whatsoever.

i know i just need to get hold of myself, step back and take a deep breath.

i also have to remind myself that the fact that i'm standing at the end of the day is reason enough to celebrate.

but honestly, what i need right now is big, warm hug to assure me that everything is going to be alright.

....

2011-07-05T12:55:00.003+08:00

there is peace in recognizing and accepting that i have my limitations, that my choices are not what most people would have made, and that the risks involved with my choices would probably lead me to the dumps. it is liberating to be able to reconcile my choices with reality. sure, it does hurt sometimes, and the irony of it is that when all these - risks, reality and pain - are put together, there is beauty.

i am growing and i know i still need to grow. but my growth now is all about the choices i make, and make a life out of these choices.

less is more

2011-01-02T11:13:00.002+08:00

i don't make resolutions because i know sooner than later i will forget about them. i would rather follow a mantra that will guide me all throughout the year.

less is more. that's how it's gonna be for 2011.

less negativity, more positivity. less tears, more laughter. less talk, more work. less hatred, more love. less spending, more traveling (ironic, i know).

2010 has blessed me with beautiful memories of a love that i thought no longer exist, of adventures great and small, of friendships that gave birth to laughing moments. it was a great year. the good more than covered for the not so good things that happened. there were valuable lessons learned, and i am still a student who's still eager to learn.

i am just looking forward to what 2011 will bring. i just have to believe that bottomline, i am blessed.

lost and found

2010-10-22T13:07:00.002+08:00

there are days when i feel like i can't feel my feet on the ground. or sometimes, i'm not stepping on anything except air. a few times i felt i was lost somewhere in between heaven and earth. but every time, i wake up to find myself right where i want me to be.

it's been a really tough balancing act, and i'm someone who physically can't find her balance. but i'm threading thru the path where i am not so sure of. it's scary, it's exciting.

but i am here. and that is what matters most.

where this path will lead, i don't know. wherever this road will take me, i am ready.

life happened.

2010-09-28T10:05:00.002+08:00

haven't written for a long time. over 9 months. that's the life span of a fetus growing inside the womb.

yeah, life happened. outside the womb. inside the heart.

the waiting has ceased to exist. what remains now is the part where me and him exist, the way neruda said so.

so today i write about the story of a love that has come a long way from its one step forward two steps back rhythm. the melody is not flawless. a note or two may be missing or out of tune. but i like the imperfect harmony. it makes me look forward to the days when we can finally play our perfect song.

yeah, life is happening.

forever grateful

2009-12-03T09:58:00.003+08:00

2009 has been very kind to me. Amidst all the trials and setbacks I have encountered along the way, I am still up, dancing, and doing my thing.

Everyday, I find reasons to be thankful for. Above all, I am thankful for:

1. the gift of life itself. With everything that has happened to us, I have realized how precious life is. The only way to show appreciation is to live and lead a meaningful life.

2. the people around me - my family, my friends. They have kept me sane and my feet firmly planted on the ground amidst all the "kaguluhan" that has happened.

3. my job, my colleagues, my boss. I am very lucky to have a job that creates social awareness on one of the causes I advocate for - cervical cancer. It has provided me means to reach out to more people. My colleagues have been my pillar of strength when the work gets tough, and my boss? He's one of the most generous people I know, and his big heart has inspired to pay it forward.

4. the opportunity to help. When Ondoy struck, I found myself amongst the many volunteers bringing in goods, repacking and distributing goods, spreading the word through social networking sites, sharing laughter and stories with fellow volunteers. Those were very exhausting days, but at the end of each day, I find myself still thankful that I can help.

5. the opportunities to learn. Learning is one of the things I value in life, and I look at each day as a new lesson to be learned, a new experience to be cherished. The most important lesson I've learned in 2009 is to be always thankful.

6. the joy of traveling with friends and family. I am a wanderer by heart. I truly enjoy traveling, exploring new places, discovering new adventures. I am constantly in awe of how beautiful the Philippines is, and how many places are waiting to be explored.

7. the opportunity to win a Moleskine 2010 Calendar. I can imagine myself scribbling down my daily activities and the things I am thankful for each day in those cute colorful planners. ;)

And this list goes on.

And I'm looking forward to what 2010 may bring.

hit stop button

2009-10-22T12:46:00.001+08:00

all dances come to an end, no matter how invigorating the music is or how good you are on the dance floor.

in this case, the dance came to a screeching halt as soon as i hit the stop button.

rhythmic groove

2009-10-15T16:15:00.003+08:00

i'm in a different state. and as i watch myself move, i was waiting for the warning bells to sound. i did not hear anything.

parts of me act in connivance with the other, each moving in a rhythm i barely recognize. the melody is in sync with every step, and as if in a trance, i cannot stop.

the sensible part of me, however, would let out a whisper loud enough for the rest of me to hear. surprisingly, every movement would come to a slow end.

i've said that i thrive on risks, and that i am not cut to be safe. and this dance is one risk i am taking, and i know when the music has to stop.

in the meantime, i am enjoying the beat. every pulsating minute of it.

overflowing

2009-08-07T11:23:00.002+08:00

one thing about turning a year older is that you become more appreciative of everything and anything in between. i guess you learn to count your blessings and acknowledge that the universe conspires to give you sometimes even more than what you ask for.

and today, i am just overwhelmed with all the love and blessings i have received. it's not a perfect day, but it's the imperfections that made me realize my worth and how impermanent things can be. the imperfections have taught me to value what and who i have in my life.

at the end of the day, no matter what happens, i will remain grateful.

i blew the candle out just to get back in

2009-07-13T15:43:00.002+08:00

it wasn't a really clever move. but when you want to test the waters to see if you're going to drown, you have to get yourself into the water. luckily, i was quickly back to the shore before i find myself totally sinking in.

now, i am no longer waiting. i found a way not to wait, trusted my instincts, and made my move. and this is the case where my impatience helped me decide which road to take.

and honestly, i wasn't surprised with my decision. i just probably needed that mind-boggling waiting game to kick some sense out of me. it wasn't a painful kick, just a what-the-heck-are-you-thinking kind of kick. it was enough to jolt me back from those sleepless nights.

yeah, i blew the candle out just to get back in. i found another match for the light. too bad the rains soaked the light wet, and i am okei with it. it's time to look for another match.

seriously, what was i thinking?!?

waiting

2009-07-09T20:02:00.002+08:00

all the day, my head keeps playing the "waiting" soundtrack

waiting in vain?

waiting game?

waiting to exhale?

it's a great test for my patience. i am trying my darn best to hold on and think that i will be rewarded for my patience. but seriously, i'm hanging by a thread. and the waiting is slowly killing me.

oh, and the "waiting" soundtrack is related to my foolish heart. not by accident, that i can guarantee.

an ode to writing

2009-07-07T14:46:00.003+08:00

it seems like an eternity since i last wrote something that may not even be considered as writing. yeah, it has been a really long while, and boy, it feels that writing and me have moved to opposite ends that we're practically strangers.

i have had several attempts to reconcile and meet halfway. but everytime i come close, something gets in the way. on certain occasions, i have just become either too lazy to bother making a move towards reconciliation or too exhausted to even think about it.

but deep down, i know a part of me is missing.

i miss writing, and i'm not going to make promises to make amends or to cut down the distance that separates us. but i just have to make it clear that i miss writing.

big time.

enlightenment

2009-03-12T11:05:00.002+08:00

it's a crazy, cruel world. and it's almost always a struggle to keep a straight face and remain focused on the path.

and i am truly grateful to have found the light that keeps everything in balance.

i'm not saying that it's a perfect light, that everything is all smooth and free. i still stumble and fall. but not as often and not as bruised as before. the light has kept me grounded and has humbled my stubborn heart.

maybe there is hope in me after all.

to my light, thank you. and please continue to illuminate my path. i don't want to stay out in the dark.

the sun shines everyday

2009-01-13T11:15:00.003+08:00

i know it's been awhile. distractions have been more constant than before.

and the distractions have done more than what they were supposed to do, in a good way, that is. the distractions have shown me that life indeed is a beautiful struggle, and that is how i sum up what my year has been.

more than that, the beautiful struggle has made me love who i am now. it has been comforting to know that i have conquered some of the monsters in my head, and that i have finally admitted some truths which i have long forgotten or have consciously chosen to forget. it was a difficult process, and i was thankful i went through it.

the safe mode that i have put myself into during the last few months have rocked my reality. it was an unconscious effort to be safe, probably because i feared the risks or the pains. but it did me good. i needed to recuperate, to rethink, and to finally realize that i am not cut to be safe. i have always thrived on risks, i have always known that. and i would probably be taking more risks now that i know how it feels like to be safe.

and the beautiful struggle have brought along blessings which i feel i don't even deserve, but i am still and will forever be thankful for them. these blessings have enriched my life in a way that i have learned to look at things differently and more positively.

and yes, i am cutting a few strings, tying some loose ends, knotting a few ones, and starting a new line. i know what i can live without, and what i can give to live with a few compromises. i'm kinda getting my way around this because it's all new to me.

it's time that the sun finally shines on me every single day.

it's not quite raining. yet.

2008-07-06T16:40:00.002+08:00

the (almost) end of summer had me splashing under the hot bohol sun. it was refreshing to be in my comfort zone. and i wish i could stay there forever.

but reality keeps pulling my feet to stand on solid ground. and stand i did amidst the strong waves that rocked my seemingly quiet life. the waves shook and broke a bridge that i tried to keep afloat during the rage. but i can't hold on when the other side has its thread cut loose.

and the waves taught me to hold still to what i believe in, to keep my head up no matter what, to believe that things will be okei.

it was a painful hold. but i had to welcome the pain as the tears came pouring down. it's how things are, it's how they are meant to be.

and before the rain starts to pour on my summer, i am taking a deep breath and not looking back to what happened during the last few weeks.

it's time to move on. and for the first time, i am welcoming the rain.

smoothies

2008-05-05T14:17:00.000+08:00

nah, it's not your regular ice blended drink.

it's how things have been. smooth, with a touch of crushed ice. thus, the term smoothies. just perfect under the smoldering heat of the summer sun, right?

and the best way to enjoy the smoothies? sitting still, with just the sound of the sea and the wind.

that's how i've been lately. sitting still. silently watching from the sidelines as the wave crash unto the sea, and the trees sway with the breeze.

i want to say something. but summer is not the time for that. i'll probably wait until the rain starts pouring hard enough to get my feet wet again.

for now, it's smoothies. and me sitting still for the summer.

for blue: a gay conclusion

2008-04-16T09:48:00.002+08:00

overheard from this morning's breakfast:

blue: girlalu, pakibilang mo nga ito.

i felt like falling off my seat and laughing and crying at the same time!

and i was like, omg! haha!

well, it was probably an odd way to start my day. odd in a funny way.

yeah, i'm still laughing! and i couldn't help but call lara, even if it's 3 am in belgium, and tell her all about it!

oh well, this concludes my horoscope story. haha!

for blue

2008-04-12T10:36:00.002+08:00

you sneak a look into my eyes, piercing through my soul where your name is written all over.

you smile at me.

and i am breathless.

Umagang Walang Pamagat

2008-04-07T09:28:00.002+08:00

I.

bakit bigla na lang kitang namiss?
wala tayong ugnayan.
di tayo magkakilala.
suplada ako.
mas suplado ka.
magkatulad tayo sa
maraming bagay
na ayaw kong isipin.
sabi ko tama na,
di na kasi puwede.
pero bahala na si batman.
total patay na naman si joker,
baka mapagbigyan mo ako.

II.

bakit ngayon,
puro pagpaparamdam ang
ginagawa mo?
di ba suplado ka?
di ba sabi mo di ko tinanggap
imbitasyon mo?
bakit ngayon,
panay ikot mo sa tabi ko?
bakit panay ang tingin mo
sa mga mata ko?
bakit ang lakas ng boses mo?
pakihinaan mo kasi ang radyo mo
para magkarinigan tayo.
please lang.
one time lang.

Green and Blue

2008-03-11T09:38:00.002+08:00

I've said time and again that I love mornings. And today, despite being out so late, I found myself pumped up and ready to start my day.

I'm still wearing that no expectations sign. It's slow, but the pace has allowed me to rethink my position. I need to gain more confidence, though. It's uncharacteristic of me to fall silent when deep within, I wanted to say something. Lack of practice? Probably.

Or not.

In the meantime, I'll be swimming in a sea of green and blue. It's summer. My season. My time. My space.

27 Feb

2008-02-28T12:43:00.002+08:00

I woke up this morning with this force pulling me towards my happy place. I've made up my mind last night that I have to put an end to this addiction. I know where this would lead me in the end. And I'm no rock star that has the machinery to cover up the mess I'd be leaving behind.

But this force was so strong, and my morning state was not yet equipped to battle with such great strength. I gave in. Too easily, in fact.

And I'm glad I did.

It was worth the trip even if I wasn't totally dressed up for it. But the silly grin on my face more than compensates for my lack in glam and sass. And that silly grin is more than happy to find its way back in my morning routine.

No expectations now. I'm just letting it all flow in.

mornings were broken

2008-02-19T11:01:00.004+08:00

i don't quite know how to put into words this strange feeling of missing when you have never been in the first place. a broadsheet horoscope started this roll, and somehow, it goes on and on. it's so addictive. it's intoxicating that i can't seem to push that stop button.

and when fate and faith came into play, i'm left speechless and out of breath.

6 days is a long time, you know, especially for someone who does not know how and when to start counting the days of this strangeness. where all senses went, i don't know. this, i don't have a name for. all i know is that mornings are no longer splashed with silly grins and stolen looks. they've become bare, cold and empty. just like the weather outside that happy place.

i miss my mornings. i miss that silly grin. i miss the loud voice that sings lifehouse's classics. i miss those eyes that sneak a look on that silly grin.

please give me back my mornings.

soon.

Dakal a Salamat!

2007-12-31T06:14:00.000+08:00

I find myself on the last day of the year in gratitude mode ;)

Thank you...

...to friends, both old and new, who've stuck it out with me through thick and thin.
...to adventures that had me discovering and experiencing new things.
...to photographers and photographs which have inspired me to capture and treasure every moment.
...to the people I work with, the people I work for, who have taught me the value of patience and discipline; who have laughed out loud with me to ease our stress away; who have given me more than what i deserve.
...to my family who has been my constant pillar of strength.
...to opportunities to learn, to grow, to become better.
...to the many blessings I have received.

It has been a wonderful year and here's looking forward to a better and brighter 2008!

Happy New Year!

Revived

2007-11-10T07:40:00.000+08:00

I feel revived. Literally.

It has been a pretty wild run, and I did not see the big gap taking over like rain clouds on a sunny day. Unexpected, it is. But I always say that I take whatever is served on my plate.

I have learned to expect nothing and just take things as they come. To take it slow and to stop and smell the flowers.

And it has done me good.

So good that I can still taste the chocolate cake on my lips.

Let's Be Santa

2007-11-08T15:17:00.000+08:00

I've been doing this since 2004, and I want to keep the tradition alive simply because it's that time of year to bring cheers to friends and strangers alike.

Here's the deal:

Post your TEN MOST WANTED FOR THE HOLIDAYS in your blog. It can be anything, as in ANYTHING under the sun.

Blog hop to see who has posted their list of ten.

The most important part of this is you can be SANTA! Yes, in your own little way you can be one. If you see a wish you can grant, and you know that granting that wish would make that person happy, GO!

You can spend money or not. The bottomline is you can make their wish come true!

There are no rules here, no strings attached. Just lots of joy in giving.

And please don't forget to leave your contact details for anyone who is interested to grant your wish. I'm here!

And my TEN MOST WANTED FOR THE HOLIDAYS:

1. Starbucks coffee with me. Stickers or no stickers, conversations are always good when shared with a cup of coffee.

2. Goya chocolates! I'm so addicted, I can eat 4 in one seating! Haha! I better watch my blood sugar level, though. Hahaha!

3. A snap of me in an interesting state/pose/face. I'll have it framed. Promise!

4. Tour of Binondo with all the siomai we can eat! I love siomai!

5. Anything Grey's! Love, love the series.

6. Manila Bay sunset. It's been awhile =(

7. Spongebob pjs. Comfy!

8. Anything orange. Loud and proud it is.

9. Volunteer with me. Donate blood. Let's do something that will make another heart beat, give another birthday...

10. Griffin and Sabine Trilogy. So love!

And above all, let's spread peace and love!

Happy Christmas!

Sapce is a Terrible Thing to Waste

2007-06-11T06:16:00.000+08:00

All the explanations I have will not justify why I have neglected this nest, some of which are even silly at this point.

But that's not what matters now, right? I'm here typing my cares away. Again.

I will not go for those generic statements of how life sucks and how life is beautiful because yeap, they're ironies that exist, whether we recognize them or not. Let's just say that life has been a steady stream of the the good, the bad, the in between. But mostly, the water that flows along the path nourishes whatever weak bone I have.

And I am not going to complain. It's how things are. It's how they have become. And frankly, I could not ask for more.

Rated Jey

2007-04-11T19:26:00.000+08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Seriously!

2007-04-05T07:27:00.000+08:00

It did hurt everywhere. Tears fell. And there was only silence.

But I refuse to succumb to the pain totally. I am alive, and I choose to live life the way I know how - with faith, hope and love. I refuse to let the cynic in me see the beauty that lies trapped among the ashes. It's not me.

And as Meredith said, the fact that we're standing at the end of the day is already reason enough to celebrate.

So seriously, I am still blessed.

While It Still Is

2007-03-26T17:50:00.000+08:00

I should be at a loss right now. I should be putting that panic button and pounding on heaven's door to rescue me. I should be running away, far away from this place where I am.

But I am not doing any of these. Surprisingly.

I am still in a steady state.

Or I am in a state of denial.

But while it is still good, I am taking what I can get. And when that time comes I do need to hit that button, I pray that someone will be there to come running after me.

And so....

2007-03-02T21:50:00.000+08:00

The silence simply means that I have been really busy to sit and type away my thoughts. It's a range between chaos and pure bliss. Sometimes I just stop and stare at some thing but my mind is flying to that never after. And in my stopping and staring, I had to keep myself from laughing at the promises made when all were green and blue. If we really look into it, the shades have become a little pale. But definitely not gray.

And so the cynic in me was caught off guard. Not a lovely sight I'd say. But then, aren't we entitled to certain bad days? The weather at times would even agree with me. And on certain days when all is good, I take my shoes off and dance to Madonna's Borderline. Now, this is a definite must see.

But when all has turned in and the lights run low, I go back to that never after and wish that one day, when my hair has turned to gray, I'd still be walking down the street with my hand being held.

They Can be Crappy Too

2007-02-09T20:51:00.000+08:00

And not even a can of Coke Light can do something about them.

Well, there will always be the good and the bad. And all the cliches will come rushing in, complete with all the trimmings and a red bow to wrap it all up.

Seriously, the past few days have made up for all the drama I missed during the days when I was riding high on my happy pill. My after 5 pm dose of Grey's Anatomy did not help at all, except when Meredith finally made a stand about McDreamy calling her a whore. Woot woot for women's lib!

Oh, I am mad with my keyboards! I did miss blogging. I have been really tied up with stuff that I did not even get to do my usual rounds and I haven't really sat down to let my fingers do their work on these keys.

And all the toxicity is just making me so look forward to summer, my ultimate fave time of the year! Oh yeah, bring on the sun shine!

Crush-ing and Spring Cleaning

2007-01-30T16:29:00.000+08:00

Totally not related except for the positive vibes. Yeap, I am Miss Optimism. Or I try to be one. It's probably the best cap I've put on other than my ever famous Faith and Hope cap. Oh, these two go together. Always. And if I strictly follow what St. Paul said in Corinth, I should be wearing the Love cap too on top of everything. However, I am not since that one is a permanent fixture in my system.

So what's with spring cleaning again? I'm being moved to a new floor in the office so I need boxes to pack all the stuff that has piled up during the last year. And boy, do I have a lot! So tomorrow I should be dressed for the part and not wear my corporate clothes if I am to bag all these stuff and move out of my present cube.

Crush-ing? It's another permanent fix, something which I am hoping will move into a different level and make it more permanent if there is something like that. Bottomline is, it's all good and I am just too happy to be crush-ing. Again.

2006 Survey

2007-01-15T08:07:00.000+08:00

Better late than never! And yeap, I have time.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you've never done before?
Get away alone. The overnight trip to Cagayan de Oro. Be in a place I've only dreamed of.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions? And do you have one right now?
I don't make resolutions. I just take things as they come.

3. What would you like to have in 2007 that you did not have in 2006?
More money for travel. More time to travel. And yeap, that one.

4. What date in 2006 will remain etched in your memory?
Definitely September 5 to October 23. My own Enchanted Kingdom trip complete with the horror house and the scary rides.

5. What was your biggest achievement last year?
Letting go of so many things that have kept me from being free. And Cebu thing.

6. What was your biggest failure?
Cebu thing. It's a mix of both. I'm still trying to find the balance into this.

7. What was the best thing you bought?
South of the Border, West of the Sun by Haruki Murakami. Life-changing read.

8. Where did most of your money go?
Travel. Coffee. Books.

9. What did you really, really get excited about?
Going and being in one of my dream destinations.

10.What song will always remind you of 2006?
Dave Matthews' Say Goodbye and #41.

11.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably satisfying?
Changing/evolving and still be accepted.

12.What kept you sane?
Coffee and Bailey's! Hahaha! My seatmates, definitely! My crazy, bautiful family.

13.Who did you miss the most?
My tita in Germany who died in 2005.

14.What valuable lesson life lesson you learned in 2006?
Regardless of how people will look at you or what they say about you, at the end of the day, what matters most is what's between you and Him.

Cheers!

2007-01-04T08:52:00.000+08:00

2006 has been a really good year. It may seem that I've had so many down moments, but looking deeper, they have done me a lot of good. At the start of 2006, I resolved to travel light. The experience of unloading myself have been painful, at times seemingly unbearable. There were days when I doubted myself and my faith that things will be okei.

But time has taught me to trust my faith. Time has taught me to be patient. Time has taught me to let of things past. Time has taught me to free myself of ties that keep me from being and moving as one with the wind.

2006 was a liberating, exhilerating experience. I discovered more about myself and the world.

And I am starting 2007 on a high note. It will be good.

Cheers!

I Still Need to Get Used to This

2006-12-12T16:40:00.000+08:00

While I soak under Madonna's music, I find myself in a comfy place where everything is steady, surprisingly. I am just letting it all in from all directions, hitting me with touches at the right places, touches that can either break my spirit or get me on high.

Patience has its rewards and I am reaping the fruits. It is time.

Girl Talkers

2006-12-07T14:07:00.000+08:00

Starbucks 6750. Judith. Zoe. Emmyrose. Jey. We are still girl-talking after all these years.

The Flgiht

2006-12-05T08:43:00.000+08:00

I don't get to capture moments such as this as often as I want to. But when I do, I make sure that colors will be dancing before my eyes. As they say, timing is everything. And I am taking my sweet time. No rush. Just the here and the now. So zen.

So me.

And finally there is that liberating and humbling feeling of being able to fly. And flying light I am. It's one truth I am holding now. No fear. No holding back. Just the exhilirating feeling of being one with the sky, of moving in harmony with the bright lights, crossing borders, breaking barriers.

It feels so good now.

And I am at peace.

Follow Up

2006-11-22T08:28:00.000+08:00

To make my life as a P.I. interesting, I'd be needing a shot or two of Bailey's to make the conversations more lively and soulful, and the laughter more intense. Plus, I'd be needing lots of load credits to keep my thumbs busy while my eyes search for evidence. Lastly, I'd be in dire need of Starbucks Peppermint Mocha to boost my energies. Haha!

Seriously, I'm taking this lightly only because I'm having so much fun. And I loooooove adrenaline rushes, and all the drama that goes with it.

If I'll end up in CSI, I will definitely let you know.

=)

2006-11-21T16:46:00.000+08:00

I have a new job.

Private I.

Really, This is How I Do It

2006-11-15T15:37:00.000+08:00

I reread my entries and realized that I did not even say a word about me moving into this cool place overlooking Ortigas. The view from my bedroom window is charming. Yeap, I'm technically a stone's throw away from the office, giving me an extra hour to stay in bed and more reasons to stay out late. Teehee. =)

And maybe, just maybe, I am getting back in shape, literally and figuratively. I rant. I rave. Nothing new. I just added a little spice to the routine, something to perk me up and keep me from sliding back - cutting papers into tiny pieces when I can just use a shredder. This method is way better because it has healing effects at no cost. I just keep in mind that every paper I cut is equivalent to the things that have been pulling me down. After spending half of my day "spring cleaning," I felt better.

And food tripping is a pre-requisite of "spring cleaning."

Unadulterated fun to the hilt.

...

2006-11-13T13:25:00.000+08:00

Why did I feel like the world just crashed and burned me for a day and washed away the scars with the pouring rain?

Forty-nine days. It all came crumbling down right at my doorstep last Thursday, tears falling freely and heavily. My spirit sank, my body just fell apart. It would have been better if I was just left out in the cold.

But a lioness never gives up. And the sign says it all.

When all has been said and done, one's true worth can be seen when he starts picking up the pieces and carrying on the battle.

And so I dust myself and carry on the journey.

Tagged by Larry

2006-11-03T15:39:00.000+08:00

1. How often do you blog?
>Not as often as I want to, but I try to write down a few when I can and when the mood is right.

2. Online alias:
>It's just jey-aiy. =)

3. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
>Yeap, benefit of the doubt. In the end, I regret that day I stood up for her against her boss.

4. What do you often do when you are bored?
>Three things: TV, bed or books. Often it's a combo of two - tv and bed or books and bed.

5. When bathing, which do you often wash first?
>Uhm, my hair.

6. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
>Nope. Even as an intern, the most that I've been up was 36 hours max.

7. What colors look best on you?
>I go for bright colors, lots of pinks, reds and oranges. This is regardless if I look good wearing them.

8. What's your favaorite alcoholic drink?
>Hands down, Bailey's. Lately, I tried Heineken. I still have to develop my liking for the green bottle.

9. Do you really believe in heaven and in hell as a real place that each of us will go to after death?
>Yes if only to start somewhere after our life on earth ends.

10. Do you find that you have more online friends than offline?
>Pretty even. But I've grown closer to my online friends.

11. What was your favorite subject in school?
>Seriously, I have always liked Chemistry.

12. Are you a perfectionist?
>Does an OC count as a perfectionist?

13. Do you spend more than you can afford?
>Uhhm, ehrrr, next question please.

14. Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before?
>The experience, the drama is all worth it.,

15. Do you consider yourself creative?
>I'd like to think so.

16. Do you give yourself the credit you deserve?
>It's a case to case basis, but most of the time no.

17. Do you donate time or money to charities?
>I try to give more of my time rather than material things.

18. Have you recently done something that you've criticized others for doing?
>Heck, yeah.

19. What's on your mind right now?
>Cebu stuff, mostly work. Food because I'm getting hungry.

20. Say one nice thing about the person who tagged you and the five other people that you are going to tag:

Larry is my teacher in patience, one of the people I run to for sanity checks.

Lyn. When I need a dose of hard core truths, I run to her.

Toni. Full of positive vibes.

Shirrie. One of the few bright spots in Cebu.

{illyria}. She often leaves me speechless.

Tani. She amazes me.

All is Flat and Red

2006-10-27T13:41:00.000+08:00

Smooth. Silky. Feverish.

And I need a trip to the rough seas and a dose of cold water to wake me up from this endless dream. Almost but not quite. I am taking nothing with me, just this piece I call soul, bared to the bones and scarred to the core. Seems like I just hit jackpot with my combination. Instant millionaire I should be. But I know better.

This is not perpetual. A regular one night stand gone heavy and sweet, whipped cream topped with cherry. Perfect. Too good to be true. And I am loving it.

After all, I am the here and the now. That's all there is. No shape. No color. No scent. No sound. Just presence.

A treat to the soul that has found its way home.

Coming to a Close

2006-10-21T11:04:00.000+08:00

I have long waited for the return flight home. It all seems surreal. But I am glad I can finally walk away from all these, with my head unbowed, my heart unfazed, my spirit unrelenting.

And with me learning more about myself and about truths that will never fade away.

I learned to get by and live each day through constant communication with the people I hold dear, my family and my friends. They have never let me down when I'm almost on the brink of losing it. Instant cheerleaders. Sanity check. Loads of love and respect. I've been burning phone lines just to hear a familiar voice, someone I can connect with, someone who knows the real me. And every time I end a call, I am renewed.

I learned to keep it cool even when things are smoking hot. They say patience is a virtue, and I have always been known as one who runs low on patience. Looking back, I have never seen myself so composed, and my tongue in check. There were times when I was often left without much choice but to answer back. I did not. I still believe in diplomacy and killing people in kindness. Recently though, I gave a mouthful. Yeah, I still know when and where to draw the line. After all, I am no saint.

I learned to not forget that where I am is not permament, a passing thrill of an even bigger, more exciting picture. This has just prepped me up for the greater adventure waiting to unfold. But I have not forgotten that whether permanent or not, every waking moment is an enriching experience. The good, the bad, and the in between are what nourishes the soul.

I learned to hold on tightly to my faith. It anchors me to a steady state, keeping me grounded and humbled.

And as my curtain closes on this stage, I can only heave a sigh of relief, whisper a prayer of gratitude, and probably, shed tears of joy.

I am coming home.

My Sky

2006-10-14T14:01:00.000+08:00

Photo taken around 5:55 am at the CAP Complex in Cebu.

Survival

2006-10-11T21:22:00.000+08:00

It is humbling for me to be taken away from my comfort zone and be put in a situation where the odds are 5 to 1. The whole experience often brings me to tears, and sometimes, they just fall freely out ouf sheer exhaustion. Sometimes, in amazement of the road that I have travelled so far.

In every uncertain moment, I find my balance in the people I love.

In every fall, I hold on to my faith.

In every tear, I wipe with memories of happy moments.

One

2006-10-05T09:17:00.000+08:00

Weekends have been my source of liberation and cheap thrills, a gift to myself for all that comes in between the crack of dawn and the moonlit nights. I was asked whether I'm burned out or I'm enjyoing every minute of it. It's a little of both.

It has not been a walk in the park for me, and I count each day that I have braved through the battlefield as a blessing.

And today, I mark my first month on hostile grounds.

In Awe

2006-10-02T19:17:00.000+08:00

For the second time, I found myself at a loss for words simply because words are not enough to describe the Kawasan Falls experience.

I saw nature at its finest - lush greens, crystal clear water, fresh air.

And being one with nature more than took my breath away.

As I sat on the raft and stared at the gushing waters, I felt peace.

Everything will be alright.

Finding Stroke

2006-09-30T06:43:00.000+08:00

The soft grass crushes beneath
The feet that floats
The path leads to home
Where the sky and earth meets
And where the only sound
Is my heartbeat.

Temporary Arrangement

2006-09-27T22:38:00.000+08:00

I have become a different person in just three weeks. This I realized while my feet are soaked in the crystal clear waters of Bantayan.

Here, it's all work. Here, I have to put up a face that will not back down regardless of whatever has been thrown my way. It's part of the package.

What's important is knowing that this is not permanent, a temporary set up, and at the end of the day, I still know who I am.

Tall order. But being here gave me good grasp of myself, of who I have become. It may have been a mixture of laughter and tears, not exactly of the same proportions, but I learn from every crack and from every drop. I wake up at dawn with things clearer now, and with more determination than ever.

This may be a test for me, and to get a passing mark, I have to be that person for the time being.

Bantayan Island Getaway

2006-09-27T14:14:00.000+08:00

It has been on my list of must-go-to places for years now and to finally set foot on the pristine white sands of Bantayan Island, wow! I couldn't exactly describe the feeling.

All I wanted was to getaway from it all for a while, to seek refuge from the noise that is work that has kept me on my toes and has never failed to leave me gasping for breath at the end of the day. I got more than what i wished for. The weekend at Bantayan gave me the time to think things over - work, goodbyes that have been said, excess baggages, my silence. Walking along the white stretch cleared my head of clutter. And yeap, it was a weekend all on my own with just the sand, the sea, a gray tabo and Haruki Murakami's South of the Border, West of the Sun to keep me company.

And I am still in awe. =)

And...

2006-09-20T21:56:00.000+08:00

Creativity flowing freely.
Honesty.
Lots of laughter.
Freedom of the spirit.

I miss these too.

Missing

2006-09-16T08:52:00.000+08:00

I have been putting off writing in this blog because of the series of (un)fortunate events that banged my door this month. I know I should feel lucky that I am away from the hustle and bustle of Manila. But honestly, I don't.

Before the plane took off for Cebu last September 5, I already braced myself with the possibility of staying here longer. But nothing beats reality when it was said that I'll be here for a month or so. There is so much to do and so little time to really enjoy what the city has to offer. Well, I came here for work in the first place so I have to do what I have to do.

I am getting homesick. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss the gulo of Manila. I miss home.

Steady In Between

2006-09-01T14:08:00.000+08:00

Although so much is happening all at the same time, I refuse to dwell on the negative and focus on what needs to be done first. I don't want to sink and not be able to swim back to the shore. It's a been there, done that thing. It was exhausting, and I see no point in going back.

So amidst all the rush for the long overdue Cebu trip on Tuesday and all the noise that has been been circulating in my air, I am in a steady state. I choose to be. And I am sticking by my choice. I guess I'm just probably over that stage of whinning and ranting over the same things time and again. And guess what? Nothing happens when do that. Everything remains the same.

Well, things are a little better. And I am learning to live without my security blanket wrapped around me. It has been awhile and what happened was inevitable. I saw it coming last year, and I guess, facing it now than later on in life is doing me some good.

Although I can't honestly say that I am happy, I know I don't have regrets. I often tell myself that this is a one day at a time thing. No need to pressure myself. I know I will be okei. I have that much faith that things will get better.

And as I have said, when we need to find the path, the light leading to it shines the brightest.

Round and Round

2006-08-28T09:13:00.000+08:00

So hope comes along whenever a door closes. Delayed or caught in traffic, it does not matter now. I just know that there is hope, that there is something worth waiting for.

I am just in awe at how intricate the details have been, with the amount of twists and turns that has been laid along my path. Everything now is coming in full circle.

And so like a child, I wait.

I Just Did

2006-08-24T15:37:00.000+08:00

You have become a part of
my blurry imagination,
a figure that fades
along with the ticking of the clock,
a memory that slips
through the corners of my mind.
I thought I could not.
I thought I would not.
But I did.
I gave myself the chance.
At last, I know how to quit you
Because I just did.

The Inevitable

2006-08-16T16:38:00.000+08:00

And so it boils down to this - GOODBYE.

That long forgotten road I took a year ago laid out a warning sign for me, only I, stubborn and willing to take the risk, did not heed it. But I have no regerets taking that route. I believe, and I always have, that its purpose has defined the person that I am today. As I have said, I will only look back with gratitude that that day came to be.

Crossing that forbidden line sure had thunder and lightning roaring from the dark skies, and I should have ran for cover. However, I chose to get wet under the pouring rain and leisurely take that walk home. It may have been a long and exhausting walk, but boy, am I glad to be finally here - home.

Without you.

From hereon, I am taking baby steps in finding my way around the world for my signpost no longer stands in front of me. And at the end of the day, I will run with eyes wide open toward the path of light.

I am taking on a new journey filled with hope and promises.

And saying goodbye to you is the first and sure step I am taking.

I Hear You

2006-08-13T15:12:00.000+08:00

It may seem odd, but I can listen for hours about anything and everything that may bother you. I can just be still and not say a word. You-talk-I-will-listen will be our thing. And I promise you, I will.

If you will only let me. And please make that in this lifetime.

In Betweens

2006-08-12T08:12:00.000+08:00

The last few months have been a journey of in betweens. At every turn, I find myself succumbing to silence hoping to find answers. Gone were those days of throwing in words which have become meaningless over time, and have been really sucking the life out of me. I got tired. Thus, the silence.

And in the silence, I found beauty in forms and images. Ironically, the silence led me to bigger circles where I met amazingly twisted but achingly beautiful souls. And I found comfort.

Sadly, though, there are things that I have to let go of. They have served their purpose.

So I move on, blend with the other spirits who seek to find their place under the sun. I am living with it. And I am loving it.

Echoed

2006-08-11T14:22:00.000+08:00

She walks in like there's no tomorrow
Yet she leaves a shadow
You'll soon forget.
She blinks,
You stare.
She flees
You run after her.
Lost in the sea of souls
You search
She hides.
She whispers goodbye
You cry.

I Missed This

2006-08-11T09:12:00.000+08:00

I have not been writing for a while. Sure, I have another blog. But it's not as free as I wanted it to be. I want to write with abandon, with passion. Dance like no one's watching.

Somehow, I knew something in me was not alive.

And so I return.